i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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