i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
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We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
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He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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