I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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