I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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