before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
