We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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