I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
