You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
