Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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