They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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