All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You ruined the universe
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
