Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh god it's open bar.
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