Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
