hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
