They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
