There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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