Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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