I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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