I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
