Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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