garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Randomize
