In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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