apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
