Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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