Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
