Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My dad is sitting where you rode me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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