tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
