I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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