im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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