I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
