two words: eviction party
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
