At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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