matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
