I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
