What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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