I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
