I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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