He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i dont even know how to be here
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
