my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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