remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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