There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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