I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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