Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
