My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
