So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
