i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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