There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
if only i could text you this smell
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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