Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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