Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You know, be my cock's hype man.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
