I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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