we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
