This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
