I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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