the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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