U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
