I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
