Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
