I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
