dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
