Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
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Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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