well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
