I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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