You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
